Thursday, July 17, 2014

Me, Myself and Why

I just realized something. That even though I am alone right this very moment, I am not alone.  I am with me and all that is my self.


I'm not talking about multiple personalities, self-esteem, self-awareness or self-love.  I'm talking about the realization that I have this incredible amount of knowledge in me that no one else in the universe can ever fully know or understand because no one has been with me 24/7 except for my self. It'd be like trying to describe how chocolate ice cream tastes.

I'm the only one who knows all my history, experiences, dreams, thoughts, secrets, all the good things I have done and the not-so-good things. How I truly feel when I'm happy, in love, sick, pissed off, or frustrated.  The one who always and truly knows what's in my heart and mind.  This knowledge makes me feel really good. It makes me feel very close to my self.

And no one gets my jokes better than me which could be an occupational hazard
when you're a stand-up comedian.

My self is the one and only who knows what is in my freakin' head all the freakin' time...and right now it's Pharrell's Happy song over and over and OVER...But I am also the one who can change what's in my head, what I think about or feel about.  It's like a super power.
I also realize that there is no one who gets me more than I get my self.  


So, to anyone reading this that may be upset or unhappy about being alone, you're not. 
You have YOUR SELF. 

Grab your self and go for a walk.  Take your self to a movie.  Sing your favorite song out loud like a rock star even if you're tone deaf like me. Or just sit in your pajamas with your cozy self and watch TV and try and take comfort in knowing you are with the one who knows you better than anyone.


Monday, July 7, 2014

Waking Up Like a Water Buffalo

This morning, I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw this.

So I went back to bed.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Navy Seal in Me

I just went to Whole Foods and feel like a freakin' U.S. Navy SEAL...without the water. 

As I approach the store, I see solicitors and canvassers addressing incoming customers.  I begin to get nervous and a little anxious but then make a decision.

I am going to do something NO ONE has ever done before.  Get into the damn store without making contact with any of them. 

With no espionage training, I will have to rely on my intelligence against impossible odds. I hope that having a teenage son and watching 20 minutes of “Acts of Valor" will be helpful. 

First, I need to figure out where to park my car so I have the least chance of interaction with them. 

It’s not that I am callous or don’t care about their causes, but I look like hell and am in a rush to buy a smoothie.  

Car is parked. Now, I quickly come up with a strategy and figure out how to negotiate getting from my vehicle into the store avoiding the Greenpeace petitioners and another survey signature group. 

SEALs are prepared to operate in "climate extremes of scorching desert and mountainous regions of Afghanistan."  The dangerous terrain of grocery stores in Pasadena should be included.  With no reconnaissance support except for Google Maps, I quickly figure out a plan of attack.

I grab the closest shopping cart, and while talking to myself in a language I just made up, I push it in figure eights.  Every time I complete an “8” I whistle. It’s a little bit of a challenge because one of the wheels is loose. And I can't whistle.

But Navy SEALs must forge ahead and continue their mission even when there is an unexpected occurrence.

I push on and advance into the store! I made it! Unscathed. No engagement with any of them!  If I could click my heels I would.

It’s not until I have smoothie in hand that I realize something absolutely horrible!
I have to leave the store.