Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Navy Seal in Me

I just went to Whole Foods and feel like a freakin' U.S. Navy SEAL...without the water. 

As I approach the store, I see solicitors and canvassers addressing incoming customers.  I begin to get nervous and a little anxious but then make a decision.

I am going to do something NO ONE has ever done before.  Get into the damn store without making contact with any of them. 

With no espionage training, I will have to rely on my intelligence against impossible odds. I hope that having a teenage son and watching 20 minutes of “Acts of Valor" will be helpful. 

First, I need to figure out where to park my car so I have the least chance of interaction with them. 

It’s not that I am callous or don’t care about their causes, but I look like hell and am in a rush to buy a smoothie.  

Car is parked. Now, I quickly come up with a strategy and figure out how to negotiate getting from my vehicle into the store avoiding the Greenpeace petitioners and another survey signature group. 

SEALs are prepared to operate in "climate extremes of scorching desert and mountainous regions of Afghanistan."  The dangerous terrain of grocery stores in Pasadena should be included.  With no reconnaissance support except for Google Maps, I quickly figure out a plan of attack.

I grab the closest shopping cart, and while talking to myself in a language I just made up, I push it in figure eights.  Every time I complete an “8” I whistle. It’s a little bit of a challenge because one of the wheels is loose. And I can't whistle.

But Navy SEALs must forge ahead and continue their mission even when there is an unexpected occurrence.

I push on and advance into the store! I made it! Unscathed. No engagement with any of them!  If I could click my heels I would.

It’s not until I have smoothie in hand that I realize something absolutely horrible!
I have to leave the store.

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